There have been a recent slew of books and articles written about connection and conversation. It appears that everyone has finally realized that the damage from this combination of the massive rise of social media and our isolation because of a global pandemic might have affected our ability to talk to each other. We are, as a species, designed to be in community with each other, which does require, to quote the Irish, a bit of “the gift of the gab.”
When looking at the advice on connecting and speaking with others, the first thing that you will often read is that you must ask questions. “Get deeply curious about the other person’s experience,” the books will tell you.
Well, that’s great, but how do you get curious if curiosity doesn’t come to you naturally? I have spent a lot of time thinking about curiosity because it is so directly linked to the creative process. Without curiosity, there is no reason to explore a new idea or attempt a new invention. Similarly, if it never occurs to you that the person sitting across from you might have an interesting story to tell, you won’t think to ask about it.
The first step to cultivating curiosity is realizing what you already know. Name it. If you are speaking with a colleague, remind yourself that you know that this person has three kids and once lived in Buenos Aires.
The second step to cultivating curiosity is recognizing what you don’t know. You might know that they lived in Buenos Aires, but you don’t know why. Or perhaps you realize that you don’t know if this person has a pet in addition to their three children?
Now that you know what you do and don’t know, ask yourself which of the elements that you do not know do you actually care about? You need to truly want to know the information in order for the curiosity to be authentic. If you can’t find anything that you care about, go back to step two, and this time look for things that you don’t know that connect with your life. For example, you might not have much experience with travel or have a pet, but it’s possible that you do not know why this colleague came to work at the same company as you.
Step four, now that you have something that you don’t know that you genuinely want to understand, go after that information. Ask the question. Be ready to listen to the answer. Do the research. Observe with the intention of understanding.
This process works for curiosity about other people and it also works for curiosity about things or situations: What do I know? What do I not know? What do I care about? Go after the information!
Congratulations! Welcome to a world of curiosity.
